Last week, I was flipping through "Us" magazine when I came upon a large photo of Brad Pitt at some recent red carpet event standing front and center with his fly open. Talk about your LOL moment! I think he was promoting his new movie "The Curious Case of Benjamin Who Forgot to Button his Fly" or something like that.
It started me thinking about how I would feel if some of my most embarrassing moments through life were photographed or videotaped for the whole world to share. Like the time in fourth grade, when I was busy chewing on my Bic pen. You know the kind--the classic clear pen body with the blue cap on each end. For whatever reason, there was no cap on the non ballpoint end. I was busy chewing on the pen that I didn't notice the ink had made its way up the pen and into my mouth. My first clue was when I tasted something gross. Next thing I knew I had blue stuff all over my tongue and lips. After Sister Screamalot excused me, I made a mad dash to the bathroom feeling certain that I was going to die from ink poisoning (I was only 9 or 10 years old, after all).
Then there was just a couple of weeks ago when I was in Kroger doing some grocery shopping. I learned that when you wear your Ugg boots every single day since November whenever you venture outside, you tend to wear down ALL the traction on them. So, as I was waiting for my order to be finished up at the deli counter, I began to stroll over to the fried chicken area, with my shopping cart. When to my dismay, I stepped in a puddle of water, which probably had been left there from somebody else's boots, and started to do the splits. The only thing that stopped me from going all the way down to the ground and tearing all my groin muscles was my left shin plowing into the bar at the bottom of the grocery cart. Of course my first reaction was to look around to see who might have witnessed such a spectacular display of grace. I didn't really make an attempt to make eye contact with anyone, but I didn't hear any laughter so I assumed that was a good sign. Then I looked at the floor, as if to blame it, and started to realize that my shin hurt bad and thought, "hmmmm.....that's going to leave a mark." Finally, I started laughing uncontrollably.
Last year, when Ed and I attended a funeral luncheon we started to make small talk with another couple at our table and Ed realized the woman was related to a 40-something acquaintance of his. Unfortunately, he incorrectly assumed that she was his mother, rather than his older sister. Awkward! All I could think to say was "pass the butter please."
Embarrassing moments fall into two categories. First there is the "I don't know how to tell you this (so you usually don't)" category. This could consist of encounters where someone you're talking to has broccoli in their teeth, or the back of their dress is tucked into the waste line of their pantyhose, or like Brad, their fly is open. I had one of these encounters just last week when I went to get my mammogram. As I sat wrapped up in a hospital gown that didn't quite fit me, I busied myself with one of the magazines in the lounge area. Another woman, who apparently was experiencing some of her own gown issues, started to talk to herself (and maybe me too,) saying that she was going to take something out to the lobby waiting room for her companion to watch. Maybe it was her purse or something, I don't know. Not really paying attention, I looked up at her just as she walked past me out into the hall when I noticed that her right breast was hanging out of an opening that wasn't properly secured. By the time I realized what was happening, it was kind of too late. So, I quickly returned to my magazine and tried to contain myself. I mean really, she was already half way out the door. I would have had to shout "excuse me, your breast is hanging out of your gown! I just thought you'd want to know." Sometimes, it's breast, I mean best, to just look the other way. When you encounter one of these moments, it's important to act like you didn't notice a thing. As soon as you get far enough away from the soon-to-be-embarrassed subject, it is okay to laugh uncontrollably and tell everyone you know what you just saw.
Next is the "Oh my gosh, are you okay?" category. This is where someone has physically fallen, tripped, gotten whacked in the face or private parts, and you feign concern. Once you see that they are not going to require medical attention, then and only then, is it okay to burst out laughing in their face. Again, I have encountered a situation, such as this. It was several years ago when Ed and I had taken the boys skiing at Shanty Creek. We rented a beautiful condo at the top of the slopes. I think Alex was maybe in fifth grade. Anyway, he went out on the balcony to arrange the skis in a more orderly fashion. He left the sliding door open. It was freezing so I asked Cameron to close it, which he did. Apparently, Alex didn't notice. I was sitting by the fireplace watching him and the events going on outside. He turned to come back in and walked right into the glass door. I happened to witness "the moment" and will never forget the look of shock on his face as his nose hit the glass. Once I realized that his nose wasn't broken and he stopped crying, then, and only then, was it okay for me to laugh out loud.
The truth of the matter is, embarrassing moments are hilarious, if you're not the one being embarrassed at the moment. That's why we love things like You Tube, blooper shows, and America's Funniest Home Videos. Nothing boosts our confidence more than seeing someone else taken down a notch or two.
So, do me a favor. The next time you're in Kroger and you see a woman doing the splits with ink all over her face, just look the other way for my sake.
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