Tips for Taking Your Kid to College

Now that I have successfully prepared, packed up, and delivered one child to college, I feel that I can speak with authority on such matters and offer you parents and kids who have yet to experience this task a couple of dos and don'ts that just may make your transition go smoother.

Bring a door stop. A simple 99 cent purchase will make your life a teeny tiny bit easier. This way you don't have to use a case of water, an empty trash can, or your twisted leg sticking out backwards to try and hold the door open. And, once you have moved all of your child's belongings (along with their roommate's) into this space they call a "room," you will find it comes in handy when you need to prop open the door to try and create a cross breeze that doesn't exist, just so you don't pass out from heat exhaustion due to the 99% humidity level.

Moms--don't bother applying any makeup, no matter how natural, light, or simple it is because it will only melt off your face. Plan on arriving ugly and leaving even uglier. College move-in day is not pretty, unless you are an 18-year old with flawless, taut skin that only glistens more in the searing sunlight when you sweat, thus making you more attractive. Also, don't bother fixing your hair as you normally would for public viewing. It will only droop and drip due to the amount of moisture coming out of your sweat glands. If possible, plan on moving your child into college with a paper bag over your head with a pretty face drawn on it.

Dads--bring an extra shirt (and deodorant) to change into after move-in so that when you have to go to a parent orientation meeting, you don't look like you a) just suffered a heart attack, b) just got done running a marathon, or c) smell like crap.

Students--pack realistically! Do you really need to bring every t-shirt and pair of shoes that you never wore at home? What makes you think you'll wear it at college? And we haven't even brought the winter clothing yet! I have a son. I pray for you parents of girls.

Moms--when you hug your child goodbye, make it quick and under no circumstances do you make eye contact with anyone involved. Keep your sunglasses on (besides, it helps hide your sweaty face). Also, be prepared that "dad", and not just you, might have some mixed feelings swirling around as well (it never occurred to me that Ed had feelings) because when they do, it will send you over the edge causing you to run screaming back to your car as fast as you can (however, you are also anxious to get back to air conditioning but don't want your child to know this is a factor in you leaving 45 minutes earlier than you are scheduled to).

Parents--under no circumstances are you to go into your child's room upon arrival at home and smell their pillow. This will only cause further grief, which is really unnecessary since you will most likely be seeing them in a week, if not in person, via Skype, Facebook, or some other satellite transmission.

Siblings--if you are chomping at the bit to move into your brother or sister's room ASAP, try to wait at least an hour and then do it with a little bit of reverence.

Moms--even though you may have no interest in being your child's "friend" on Facebook (and they certainly don't want to be yours) you will find that you may have to "request to be their friend" and hope they will comply. This will be one of the few ways in which you can keep up to date on how they are doing and adjusting. Seeing as how no one under the age of 21 uses email anymore, the only way to get them to communicate with you or at least see you communicating with them is via Facebook or texting. You'll certainly want to put on blinders and mentally block out any postings or visuals from their "real" friends that may contain objectionable content. Only use it to communicate with your child and do not stray onto other pages. Doing so could cause you to post a maternal comment on your child's page (for all to see) and then you would find yourself dropped from their friend list faster than a hot potato. This action would cause you to be cut off from their electronic world forever!

If only college could start in late-October or early-November when the weather is cool and crisp and get out in early-April when there is just a hint of spring in the air. I just realized, everything we just did has to be undone in June. I better find a paper bag and start drawing my pretty move-out face on it right now, because it will be here before I know it.