Finding Your Comfort Zone

Last October, Ed and I celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary. Who da thunk that the quiet chemist and the feisty Filipino who met on a blind date would last this long?

We were set up by his high school friends, Adam and Stacy. I guess they stopped by his house one night, having just got home from working the afternoon shift, and found him sitting on the couch in his underwear eating mac and cheese out of the pan. Immediately they thought...."hmmmmm, you need a life, or a distraction at the very least." So, they put their scheming heads together and Stacy, whom I worked with, thought of me. I’m sure she said something like “I work with a girl who is having a bad month. She recently spun out on a patch of ice and wrecked her car, had her wisdom teeth pulled out and while on her pain medication she freaked out at work, and just got dumped by a guy she was dating. She’s currently pissed off at the world and hates men, and since you're such a nice guy, you would be perfect for her!” And Ed, who loves a good challenge, said “uhhh...ok."

Having moved back from New York City a few months prior, let’s just stay I was still in cynical NYC mode. When you live and work in a city which is teeming with people from all over the world, you aren’t really afforded the opportunity to stop and make eye contact and form friendships with very many of them. You're constantly moving, running, and hustling to catch a train, bus, taxi, or just cross the street. You're basically in competition with lots of people every day to get where you're going as efficiently as possible. These types of daily goals don't allow for friendliness. “Sorry, no time to make eye contact.” Making eye contact might mean you'd have to say "hi" or strike up a conversation. Who has time for that? Besides, for all you know they just might be a Ted Bundy or Son of Sam wannabe, so you adjust your friendly mid western attitude, keep your eyes down low, and just keep moving.

When Stacy asked me in a sing-songy voice what I was doing on an upcoming Friday night, I suspiciously and bluntly asked “why”. When she said she wanted to fix me up with a guy she knew from high school, I immediately asked “what’s wrong with him?” After she some-what assured me that nothing was wrong with him, I stated that I would need to see a photo first. I just wanted to be sure he wasn’t a dorky doofus. What can I say? It’s no surprise that many of us are shallow in our mid-20‘s. Upon seeing the photo and asking a multitude of questions, I agreed. On date night, the first thing I did was check out his shoes and decided he was okay (I have unique standards). We had instant chemistry and felt so comfortable with each other right off the bat. Needless to say, the blind date went way better than I had anticipated

Twenty-three years later we are still together. Like any couple, we have experienced so many of the ups and downs of what life has to offer--my diagnosis of breast cancer at age 25, a year of chemotherapy, the birth of two healthy children, the painful loss of his parents, the aftermath of a tragic car accident involving a son, the loss of a job after 20 years of service, our firstborn’s high school graduation and transition to college, the health woes of my parents, and the all too sudden and too soon loss of good friends. We have been fortunate to have travelled the world together--London, Paris, Australia, Hawaii, California, Florida, and New York City.

Over the years we have laughed about how our lives and priorities have changed. In the beginning, a great Friday night meant heading out to the bar to hook up with friends. After you are married and have kids, a great Friday night could consist of your two-year old, that you are in process of toilet training, “poopin’ on the potty.” You are so ecstatic at the turn of events, you feel the need to call every relative and take a photo for the memory book. Thank goodness, for my friends and family, that Facebook didn’t exist back in the early 90’s when I had toddlers.

As the kids begin to get a little older--elementary and middle school--you reclaim some of your social life. This means you get to play euchre with your friends, have a couple of beers (and then some), stay up late, sleep in late, go on family outings where everyone can participate, like ski trips, Cedar Point, sporting events, and Florida vacations.

By the time the kids reach high school and college age, your energy level and priorities have changed again. You look forward to the end of the week and the nights you can just stay home. You're comfortable with not having to compete for attention, get dressed up, or do things you don't enjoy. Your time becomes more precious and you make wiser choices on how you want to spend it. You also begin to make choices based on function not fashion. At this stage in your life together, you have no problem going out in public being the king and queen of dorky doofuses. Forget that you didn't want to date one. Now you are one. Heading out to watch your kid play football for the third week in a row in the cold, rainy, and windy weather forces you to channel the puffy Michelin man look again and again and again. Your umpteen layers of long johns, a sweatshirt, ultra-warm winter jacket, ear-flapped ski hat located under several layers of hoods, and a rain poncho over the whole package that makes you look like a circus tent sitting in the bleachers is what finding your comfort zone is all about. And, when you run into someone who hasn't seen you in years, you might find yourself initially trying to explain how you don't normally look like this, but then you think better of it and say to yourself "screw it...who cares?"

That’s what being in your comfort zone does for you. It gives you peace of mind. You don’t care how you are perceived on the outside by others. As a couple, being honest and secure with yourself, as well as each other, is a wonderful feeling. Being able to laugh at each other and cry with each other is what finding your comfort zone is all about. Being consistent in your relationship and staying true to your core values while navigating through the good and the bad is what finding your comfort zone is all about.

I recognize, however, that perhaps I can become a little too comfortable and may need to "shake it up" every now and then. One day I picked up Cameron from the school and he asked me "why are you all dressed up". I look at myself (because I guess I forgot what I was wearing) and stated "I'm not dressed up, I'm just wearing stuff." He said "well you have on nice jeans, a jacket and real shoes." In my defense, I had on a black blazer that has been in my closet for years, jeans that I wear all the time, and some black boots. I guess he's used to seeing me in my scruffy Uggs and a ratty-ass sweater that I sometimes grab as I'm heading out the door for such casual occasions as picking my kid up from practice. I realize that finding my comfort zone doesn't mean I have to become complacent. For that reason alone, I'm thinking about shopping for a new poncho for next year. Perhaps one with vertical stripes that would make me look less puffy while sitting in the bleachers. Although, stripes might make me really look like a circus tent. Hmmmm....maybe stripes aren’t the answer. Maybe something in camouflage is more in line.