K.I.S.S.

Most of you recognize this acronym for "Keep It Simple Stupid." Of course, in this politically correct world (which excludes Senator Joe Wilson (R), Kanye West, and Serena Williams) the current phrase would probably be something like "Keep It Simple Silly-Billy" or as Ed likes to say "Hilarious William", which would then make it KISHW, which really is not simple and just doesn't roll off the tongue.

Those who really know me know that keeping it simple is what I'm all about. Less is more. It is the simple stuff in life that I continue to find fascinating and derive great pleasure from. Even when it involves my "simple" mind.

Last week, Ed and I were running some errands and we passed a restaurant sign that said "auce Crab". I said aloud "auce crab? What is that supposed to be, sauce crab? What is sauce crab?" Then Ed turned to me and uttered the words "all you can eat crab". When I realized that he was explaining to me that "auce" stood for "all u can eat," I busted out laughing. "Wow, how did you know that? I asked. I'm 47 and I've never seen those letters used like that. Is that some sort of "guy" thing where you know all terminology related to all you can eat buffets? Of course, had the person doing the sign used spaces in between capital letters so it read "A U C E crab" I think I could have decoded it. Ultimately, we surmised that the restaurant's sign must be maintained by a proficient texter.

As we continued on, we stopped at the pet store to pick up some cat food for Stanley. I was overwhelmed with all the choices, and yet, I still couldn't find the healthy choice, natural food, blah, blah, blah brand I was looking for. I started focusing on each label with intense scrutiny.

The amount of choices for cat food was beyond comprehension! There was food for kittens, food for cats over one-year old, food for senior citizen cats, food with hairball formula, food for shiny coats, food for sensitive skin, and then I saw a label that indicated it was food for "multiple cats" and underneath it said "multiple chats." At first, I thought, multiple cats? What difference does that make? What will happen if I feed it to a single cat? And, what does multiple chats mean? Is it for cats who do a lot of meowing? Then, I looked closer and noticed that other phrases and descriptions on the bag were in French. I laughed out loud when I realized that "multiple chats" was the French phrase for "multiple cats." Ed and I had a good chuckle over that one. You never saw two people having more fun in the cat food aisle. It made the dog owners envious that they were in a different section. I guess I'm used to everything being in English and Spanish, not French. Do more French-speaking people buy cat food than Spanish-speaking people? Oh well, I was simply confused.

With Alex off to college, and my car lease recently ended, I thought it would be "fun" to save some money for a few months and not get a new car right away. Everyday since Alex left for college, I would see his truck sitting in the garage..paid for and insured. How ridiculous to go out and get another car right away. Once we learned that our auto insurance would temporarily drop over $1,500 per year, since we turned in my car and removed him as a primary driver on the truck, the decision was simple.

Okay, so what if it doesn't have power seats, a seat heater, or XM radio, I can adjust. So what if I can't reach the radio knobs without leaning forward and reaching over or park the damn thing straight on the first five attempts? And, so what if it's covered in Plymouth Wildcat and Kalamazoo Hornet stickers and makes me look like an overzealous sports mom who needs to get a life? I can do this. After all, I'm all about simple, right? So, Ed washed it, cleaned it up on the inside, tuned it, tweaked it, and set me loose.

My first full day of driving the Dakota was last week. I set out to Kohl's to return one simple box of coasters and, you know how they put the customer service desk in the back so you have to walk past all the merchandise in an attempt to distract you, well it worked. About an hour an hour and a half later I wandered back out into the daylight and stopped dead in my tracks. The first thing that came to my head was "what the hell...where's my car?" Then, I remembered I don't have a car. I have a truck. A simple truck that I had simply forgot about.

Later that same week I went up to Krogers to "pick up a few things." We all know how that works out. As I strolled the aisles, I started remembering things that we were out of and placed them in my cart. Next thing I knew, I had quite a few items. I checked out, started walking out to the parking lot with my cart full of bags, and then it dawned on me "Crap! I don't have a trunk to put my groceries in!" So, I began to stuff everything into the front seat and on the floor. One of the items I picked up was a package of eight plain white paper towels. Plain....white....not even select-a-size. Just a one size fits all paper towel. As I removed them from the outer wrapping to put them away, something on the label caught my eye. It said "Made under one or more following U.S. Patents/Amparado por al menos una de las siguientes patentes de EE.UU" (see, I told you everything else is in Spanish). Then it continued to list 38 patent numbers, each one consisting of seven digits! Thirty eight patents! For paper towels! Who knew plain white paper towels could be so complicated? Is there some tricky secret to making these little disposable quicker-picker-uppers? It seems like such a simple concept. I was simply blown away.

As I proceeded to put away my groceries I opened up the first bag of Brach's candy corn for the fall season. They were THE freshest bag of candy corn and it put a big, dumb smile on my face that made me look like a simpleton. They smelled all honey-like and were so soft and chewy. It's funny how a girl who appreciates a modicum of luxury (like seat heaters and Uggs) can be so delighted with the simple pleasures of SweeTarts jelly beans and fresh candy corn. I'm simply complicated.